It's officially over. I will never use this again.

http://facebook.com/graham.joey
http://twitter.com/grahamjoey
http://vimeo.com/grahamjoey
http://funnyordie.com/thestraightguys
http://josephhollandgraham.com

they're all just bored.

The first day of this year felt all too much like the scene of a movie directly following a title card that states "One year earlier." I wake up in a loving woman's bed, with a sickness straight out of the Dark Ages. It's one of those movies where things start in a weird and mostly horrible situation, and they can only get better.

But do you remember that scene before "one year earlier?" That "hook?" That scene was so over dramatic. And what a cheap way to grab my attention. And why was there so much blood?

But it worked. And it's going to be back in about 90 minutes. The classic rise and fall story.

Since that first day of 09 and the end of that illness, I've felt electric. The blood pumping through my veins feels...well...fuck the metaphor here, The blood is just pumping and it's not bothering me, it feels simply, good. The pain of the last couple of years in a strictly physical sense, is easing it seems.
After getting Scarlet Fever...I fell under the impression that I really truly couldn't get much lower and I must now go up.

I never do this...but I literally prayed for this to be case, on my knees in the middle of the night. I don't know how much faith I have left in prayer or it's supposed "power," but I have yet to abandon God. If I'm still congenial with more than half of my high school friends I haven't seen in years, I figure I can still claim someone who may or may not exist as a friend. (I'm now positive there is someone with the account "God" on facebook) (what a dick)

This "feeling good" mentally and physically had become an imaginary state of being. Like a superpower. Over the past year specifically I've seen enough doctors for so much bullshit, if one told me to start bathing in a secret ooze, I would draw up a radioactive bath in a flash, and start loofahing down.

Granted not everything is suddenly at 100%. There is work to be done still. More steps to take. But the mental element is allowing me to overcome the ailments. It's feeling easier. The weight of the day is feeling lighter. I'm stronger, faster...all that bullshit.

The things about me I like the best are feeling strong, and unweighted. (I totally told a Dr. I just met that I fucked a whole mess of kids, and relished their lack of amusement, plus I haven't had a cigarette in 09, so breathing is good)

So I'm going to ride it as long as I can, knowing this time next year will inevitably be a different story. But at this moment I'm looking straight up and nothing looks all that far away. It's relative. It's close.

This may be my year...
Hopefully I leave the theater before it comes back to that climactic opening scene. And I can have a few years.

But just in case I don't, I'm going to start listening to more Biggie Smalls, and prepare to die.



...and just to say it. I like exactly 0.0 Beyonce Knowles songs.

lipstick

This is the first time I've ever felt true and pure malice on people in this what may be now, a truly God Damned Country.

Mishandling of Iraq.
Mishandling of Pakistan.
Mishandling of Afghanistan.
Failing Banks.
Ever Weakening dollar.
A dying housing market.
Buy Outs of giant financial companies.
Bankrupt Banks.
Nuclear threats.
Global warming.
Oil being still thought of for the future.
Lack of an effective penis enlargement surgery.
Unemployment rising.
Government debt mounting.


But let's talk about lipstick.
I want to strangle everyone to death.

Everyone that likes this woman because they see themselves in her, this is exactly what happened with the current president. Can't you see that people like you shouldn't run the country....can you? yet?
Maybe leave it to someone with a little more education or any type of experience aside from being a fucking high school sports journalist.
The way you like things is not fucking working anymore.

Fuck. I pray McCain lives forever or dies before January, because this woman seems frightfully ignorant.



When this country is completely driven into the ground, will that be enough for everyone or do we all have to collect the rest of the gasoline and fucking burn it all down?
At this point, that would be my dream.

FUCK.
I'm sick.

fear

It seems so cliche, but fear of other people in the world rules a lot of my daily life. (Albeit less and less through the years.) It's not that it has prevented me from leaving my house and making the best of what is laid before me, but in rapid advancement of my well being or happiness it has been a worthy adversary.

As debt expands with my needs as I get older, it's harder to look at life as a dream, and more like what the powers that be have dubbed it: A race. So it's time to face the fears....not unlike Batman.

Claiming to not care what others think is one of a few clues that tip me off that people are in some state of denial, or don't exist on the same plane as me. If you don't fear what people think, you are most likely a significantly larger asshole than I could ever be. Fear of people keeps food in my mouth, booze in my gut, and a shower to wash it all out. It keeps me from raping women, and stealing from morgues, and telling my grandmother I wouldn't mind being a part of an abortion before I die.
Someone without fear can't be reasoned with, and often is the death of the party.

But maybe what people more colloquially mean, is that they don't let fear run their lives. And they overcome their fears everyday, and have gotten good at it. But it's hard to discern between the true fear fighters and those in denial who simply have taken so little responsibility in their lives, their confidence is robust with a decisionlessness...if that's a word.

It's why women sometimes find themselves attracted to utter losers isn't it? There is strength in a lack of stress. Stress literally drives people mad and to death. Lack of it can only lead to the opposite if derived from fears. Confidence needs no budget.

Confidence and comfort can lead to a life lived too long. But thank god. Who wants stressed and curmudgeony old fucks.

It's why STDs are found all over old folks homes. Those people are so happy they want to fuck an 80 year old. It's gross. But I'm rambling.

Truth is...I'm sick of worrying about what you think. I have something inside me that is worth being said. I don't have many skills, but with the few I have, it's time to sharpen their tips, and stop worrying about the giant whetstone that might bash me over the head.

Maybe only half the world is a critic in reality. Half seems more manageable than all the world.


So fuck that half, I'm looking at you in the eyes...ready for that blinking contest. All of you.

carlin.

This is the first celebrity death I can't shake.
In the past, its been relatively easy. It's just kind of weird to me that they are no longer here.

The only thing that could compare remotely to this was Johnny Cash, but I don't know, that was like my father's good friend dying. A man two or three generations removed from my own, minimal. But Carlin...despite being old, remained relevant until this very moment, thus missing any sort of generation gap.

I may not have read his all his books or heard every album, but from the moment I heard his bit on "stuff" I feel like I've connected with his ideas on a level on par with spirituality.

I'd heard his voice via all types of other comedians before I came to him, but after hearing him or reading him, I knew I'd found the root. The root of this unapologetic need to challenge people no matter what the cost, and to not give a shit when it comes to this world and everything in it. Everything is bullshit, nothing is bullshit. Life is worth losing. Just enjoy it.

There is a line in Jerry Seinfeld's eulogy from the New York Times that I think sums up what I took from Carlin that radically changed my outlook on things while in my early years of college.


"...it seemed like the whole world was funny because of George Carlin."



In his mind, everything was funny. It's all absurd. Everything can be funny.
Find your own meaning and purpose in this world, and fuck the rest.


I recently was unable to attend a Houston performance of his, because of work. I'm not proud of it.
Despite his hate for religion, I think God and him are having one of the best conversations ever right now.

RIP